Well here we have it–a band that makes me want to build a wall on our northern border. Nickelback is the foulest Canadian export this side of bovine semen, and I’m calling for an immediate embargo.
Before we begin, let me just state for the record that I’m no moral crusader. I’ve been known to disparage bands that espouse moral causes (e.g., Fugazi), and to applaud bands that advocate drug and alcohol abuse, sexual perversion, and setting forest fires.
But I’m making a special exception for Chad Kroeger and Company. Mind you, it’s not primarily their music that offends me. It’s vapid stuff, and no better or worse than the shite produced by Maroon 5, 3 Doors Down, Papa Roach, Creed or any number of other bands. I hear it and I turn it off and half the time I don’t even know it’s them. I just feel nauseous.
No, Nickelback beats the competition hands down on the sexism of their lead singer. Kroeger’s misogyny is so nakedly repellent it makes AC/DC look like Andrea Dworkin. I listen to him and think, “Where’s Valerie Solanas when we need her?”
It’s important to distinguish between Kroeger and someone like, say, the late Anal Cunt frontman Seth Putnam. Putnam’s work was repugnant at many levels, but he thought of himself as a comedian working a vein of very black humor, even if most people (and rightfully so) didn’t get the joke. Kroeger isn’t joking, and would no doubt be offended if you were to call him a woman-hating putz.
I chose to pick on 2003’s The Long Road because it includes Kroeger’s most breathtakingly sexist song, “Figured You Out.” Kroeger doesn’t waste any time getting out of the starting block, singing, “I like your pants around your feet/And I like the dirt that’s on your knees/And I like the way that you say please/While you’re looking up at me/You’re like my favorite damn disease.” Are you flattered yet?
Things go downhill from there. Chad loves the way you can’t say no; Chad loves the white stains on your dress; Chad loves your lack of self-respect; Chad loves his hands around your neck. In the space of one song he goes from misogynist dick to physically abusive woman throttler, turning degradation into a contact sport. And he doesn’t show the slightest sign that there might be something wrong about that. He expects us to relate, and sadly, many of us do.
Granted, “Figured You Out” is the only song on The Long Road that flat-out flunks the misogyny smell test. But I’ve done my research, and Kroeger’s a repeat offender. Exhibit A is “S.E.X.” off 2008’s Dark Horse, on which Kroeger sings, “No” is a dirty word/Never gonna say it first/”No” is just a thought that never crosses my mind/Maybe in the parking lot/Better bring your friend along/Better all together than just one at a time.” A charitable interpretation of the song makes Kroeger your run-of-the-mill male slut; looked at in a harsher light, it’s a tacit endorsement of date rape.
Dark Horse also includes “Something in Your Mouth,” about a “hottie” with “a million dollar body” who looks so much cuter with, well, it’s right there in the title. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the “sex machine” in “Midnight Queen,” who can’t wait to lick Chad’s “pistol clean.” I hope she uses a strong caustic agent. As for “Everything I Wanna Do,” it has to be heard to be believed. The man has class, panache and I can only hope a very bad case of the clap.
The world’s an unfair place, and Kroeger’s punishment for such awfulness can be measured in millions of albums sold. “Figured You Out,” for example, went to No. 1 on Billboard’s Mainstream Rock charts. Fortunately, some have called him out on his sleaziness. Huffington Post put “Figured You Out” at the top of its list of the 50 Worst Canadian Rock Songs Ever, and called Nickelback an “international scourge.” Vice opined that “The general consensus when it comes to Nickelback is that they come across as a little bit rapey.” Oh, and in 2011 55,000 people signed a petition to remove the band from a Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving Day halftime show, most likely out of fear they’d regurgitate their turkey.
I’m no fool. The music community harbors many a misogynist, some no doubt worse than Kroeger. So why single him out? It may have something to do with the horribly earnest and even holier-than-thou tone he adopts when he isn’t in rape mode. And with the vulture vomit Nickelback calls music. There are plenty of reasons so many people hate these guys. As for me, I want my nickel back.
GRADED ON A CURVE:
F
