It speaks volumes about my horrible and tortured existence that England Dan and John Ford Coley was the first musical act I ever saw live. Is that sad or what? I mean, let’s ignore for a moment the well-marinaded urinal cake that is their music–just take a glance at that cover! What with their sex predator lady ticklers and nausea-colored leisure suits, soft pop’s saddest-looking Mutt and Jeff act look like convicted pedophiles at a junior high prom, lurking in the shadow of the punch bowl for the chance to hand out free mustache rides.
That said, I actually liked their big hit single “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight” when it came out in 1976, and I still brighten up when I hear it in my local supermarket. The album it’s attached to, not so much–if nights are forever, so is this baby–listening to it, I fell prey to the awful conviction that dawn would never come.
Nights Are Forever is a little bit country, and a little bit something else, and suffice it to say the something else is something you don’t want in your ears. If I had to use a color to describe the music on Nights Are Forever, I’d direct you to England Dan’s leisure suit, which any clothier worth a toss would adjudge an off-shade of shit.
Perhaps I’m being too harsh. One might more charitably describe Nights Are Forever as bottom-shelf Yacht Rock, and blandly inoffensive enough if you’re only listening to it with that part of your mind usually reserved for listening to someone describe, in excruciating detail, their latest master cleanse. As one would expect, most of these songs are as sensitive as chafed balls, and, should you be dumb enough to pay close attention, almost as painful.
How to describe the music on Nights Are Forever? Try to imagine–and you do so at your own peril–a watered down variation on the folk pap of Seals & Crofts (see in particular the dangerously over-orchestrated “I’ll Stay”). At least the latter band carries with it a whiff of the exotic; the songs on Nights Are Forever are generic fodder, and enlivened only by (1) the duo’s pleasant enough vocal harmonies and (2) some occasional instrumental touches.
The latter include the banjo on the sprightly but unconvincing “Showboat Gambler,” the pedal steel guitar on the very icky “Lady,” and the electric guitar and horns that lend color to the cheeks of the surprisingly catchy (do I hear shades of Hall & Oates?) “There’ll Never Be Another for Me.” And let us not forget the flamenco guitar stylings of the portentous “The Prisoner,” which stands head and shoulders above its fellows in its awfulness. It’s the only song on Nights Are Forever with real character, and we can all be grateful the lads don’t have more of it.
Which leaves us with “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight,” with its mawkish vocals, breezy conversational tone (“Hello, yeah, it’s been a while/Not much, how about you?”), and utter creepiness. And I say creepy because what you get once you’ve stripped away the soothing melody and parsed the real meaning of the lyrics the basic message is, “Hey, we haven’t talked in months. Wanna fuck?” You have to hand it to the meatloaf-faced Coley; he’s a lothario with chutzpah.
Looking back at England Dan & John Ford Coley from the vantage point of 2019, the “act” they remind me of most are Captain & Tennille. Both duos exuded a dorky charm that is almost unfathomable to modern music fans; we listen to their music and wonder how they managed to ferret their way to the top of the pop charts. Guess it’s just one of those mysteries that will never be solved. Like how Dan Seals came to be called England Dan when he was born and raised in Dallas, Texas.
GRADED ON A CURVE:
D+
