The 1950s and ‘60s were a golden age of television. There was zero drug use, no filthy language, and nobody got to second base. Heady times indeed, if you were a puritan. But the theme songs! They were great! And wouldn’t you like to hear them again, all together in one place? Well you can, thanks to TVT’s invaluable 1985 compilation Television’s Greatest Hits: 65 TV Themes! From the 50’s and 60’s. And I’m here today with everybody’s favorite talking horse, Mr. Ed, who’s on a nationwide tour to promote the album.
Are you ready to answer some questions, Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed: Ready as I’ll ever be. And you can call me Ed.
Thanks, Ed. Before we get started, what have you been up to since your show went off the air in February 1966?
Mr. Ed: I went through some hard times. I’m talking a serious oats addiction, three failed marriages, a couple of bankruptcies. At the peak of my career I owned a million dollar stable in the Hollywood Hills. I was dating Donna Douglas. Eva Gabor was an intimate friend. By the end I was living in a one-room flea trap on Skid Row, freebasing hay and settling for non-speaking roles on Bonanza. Chub and I used to sneak into Virginia City to score celery.
But you’re back on your feet?
Mr. Ed: Sober as Dick Webb.
What do you think of the compilation?
Mr. Ed: It’s great. I love every song on it with the exception of Grieg’s “Peer Gynt: Morning Suite.” For the life of me I don’t know why it’s on the comp. But to be honest, a lot of these TV theme songs are colored by what I know about the stars of the shows. Wilson Mizner called Hollywood a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat, and he wasn’t kidding. It’s easy to lose your moral bearings in Tinseltown. You get jaded fast.
Can you provide some specifics?
Mr. Ed: I’m saving most of them for my memoir, My Ass for the World to Kiss, but I’ll throw you a couple of bones. Granny from The Beverly Hills was an opium addict. Fred Flintstone, a serial philanderer. Herman Munster killed the Black Dahlia, but it got hushed up. Gilligan was a known perv; he secretly filmed S&M orgies at his fuck shack in Brentwood. Mr. Magoo was a degenerate gambler. Perry Mason was fucking Donna Reed who was fucking Mr. Spock who was fucking Darren from I Dream of Jeannie, and yabba dabba doo. Have you read any James Ellroy? The reality makes his books look tame.
Anything you want to say about the way the album’s organized?
Mr. Ed: TVT Records did a nice job. You got your cartoons on Side A, everything from Casper the Friendly Ghost to Fireball XL5, this British cartoon I’ve never seen. On Side B you get your situation comedies, from I Love Lucy to The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. And Mr. Ed of course, of course. I’d have sued TVT’s ass off if they’d left it off the comp.
Side C’s a kind of a mishmash. It has your stock superhero shows, all of your westerns, and your sci-fi type shows like The Twilight Zone and Lost in Space. And Combat!, which I guess they couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Flipper, same deal.
As for Side D, it’s got your cops and spy shows from Get Smart to Iron Side to Surfside 6, which a lot of people don’t remember. It starred Troy Donahue who was a pal of mine. A real viper. You couldn’t tear him away from a joint with both hooves.
I’m going to ask you a question that’s kinda off point. What did you think of your fellow non-human actors?
Mr. Ed: Honestly? Rin Tin Tin was always kvetching about having to play a goodie goodie. He’d have killed to play a villain, but he didn’t have the range. A complainer in my book. Flipper was always nice to me, but it came out later he was a snitch for the LAPD. Thanks to him a whole bunch of decent people–including the Lone Ranger–ended up getting busted for smoking pot. Yogi Bear was a lush, Bugs Bunny a for-real pimp. Felix the Cat was cool, threw the best parties in Hollywood. You NEVER knew what was going to happen at Felix’s pad, daddy-o.
What about Arnold Ziffel?
Mr. Ed: You touch a raw nerve. That pig was raking in more green than I was, and for a non-speaking part. Everybody was like “Oh, he plays checkers!” and “Oh, he’s the smartest student at Hooterville grade school!” and “Oh, and he’s the local paperboy!” Big whoop. Remember that episode where he gets the job intended for me but gets himself fired on purpose because he finds out I need the work to send my kid to Stanford? Which makes him look like a real magnanimous guy? Total horseshit. Never happened. I don’t even have a kid, for Christ’s sake. Call it Schadenfreude, but I was happy as hell to learn his agent dumped him to manage Marcel the Monkey from Friends.
So what are some of your favorite theme songs?
The theme song from Mannix is way up there. It’s really jazzy chase music, lots of horns, no singing, the best. The theme from The Mod Squad, same deal, only with this killer organ thrown in. And the theme song from Dragnet is great. You get some really portentous horns, then that deep voice says, “The story you’re about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.” I mean, Wow. That’s some heavy shit if you’re high on apples.
And let’s see. Branded is great. You get a lot of drum rat-a-tat-tat, and then this men’s choir sings, “Branded, scorned as the one who ran/What do you do when you’re branded, and you know you’re a man.” Albert Camus wrote that one. I love the finger snaps on The Addams Family, but who doesn’t? And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the theme for The Patty Duke Show. It’s like noise rock, I’m not shitting you. But I could be biased. Patty was a dear friend. She’s the one who talked me into rehab.
You’re not touching on some of TV’s most beloved theme songs. The Flintstones, Batman, The Bugs Bunny Show, Bonanza…
Mr. Ed: I’m a deep tracks kinda horse. Take Steppenwolf’s debut LP. Everybody knows “Born to Be Wild” and “The Pusher.” I prefer “The Ostrich.”
Never heard it.
Mr. Ed: My point precisely. It sounds like the Doors gone mad. Or take the Velvet Underground’s third LP. My favorite cut’s “The Murder Mystery.” Name me one single person who thinks “The Murder Mystery” is the best song on that album.
What do you think of that era of television in general?
Mr. Ed: Those were very repressed and perverse times. Nothing made any sense. Take I Dream of Jeannie. Here’s a guy with a sexy genie in a bottle who can do anything, and what does he want her to do? NOTHING! Does that make any sense to you? I’d have put her to work producing pharmaceutical grade cocaine. And we’d have been having lots of sweaty genie sex, I can tell you that. The premise of the show is completely bizarre.
Bewitched, same deal. And let’s not forget my own show. Here Wilbur owns a talking horse and he tells nobody. Any imbecile with a single brain cell would have known to haul my ass to the nearest film studio. I was a talking horse for Christ’s sake! Wilbur was sitting, if you’ll forgive the mixed metaphor, on a gold mine. Which makes him, what? A horse’s ass!
On the other hand you got Green Acres, which is stone brilliant. The premise is totally absurdist. And I can tell you why. The guys who created that baby were on acid.
Any notable omissions on the comp?
Mr. Ed: I could name dozens. The themes for Bewitched and Hogan’s Heroes, to name just two. But they’re all on the album’s 1986 follow-up, Television’s Greatest Hits, Volume II: 65 TV Themes! From the 50’s and 60’s.
Well, that’s about it. Any thoughts about making a comeback?
Mr. Ed: Sure. I’m comfortable living on the residuals from the show. And I’m teaching method acting at a Laurel Canyon corral for horses looking to break into the industry. I’m also working on a script for a movie, Zombie Wives of Beverly Hills. It’s a bit out of my comfort zone, but I’m enjoying the challenge.
But to get back to your question, I’d be lying if I said I don’t get the occasional itch to get back in the game. My agent has approached Clint Eastwood. Clint’s been in a lot of Westerns, and he made that movie with an orangutan. Orangutan, talking horse–it’d be a step up, in my opinion.
Any final thoughts?
Mr. Ed: Buy the album. And I’m not just saying that because TVT Records is paying me to promote it. It’s a top-notch compilation. And TVT Records is donating half of the proceeds to help impoverished former TV stars.
For real?
Mr. Ed: Are you kidding me? I saw Krazy Kat begging for spare change on the Sunset Strip the other day, and he’s not getting a nickel. But Hollywood’s a cruel place, and them’s the breaks. I acted like I didn’t know him and kept on trotting.
GRADED ON A CURVE:
A
