Shoot your questions and tales of woe to Ms. Mixtape at msmixtape@thevinyldistrict.com and she’ll endeavor to unspool your personal and musical dilemmas in this spot each week. —Ed.
This week’s theme: Being assertive but also polite.
Q: I need to tell the coworker I share an office with that he has terrible, terrible foot odor. I’m not looking forward to it. We’re not really friendly—actually, he drives me crazy. I haven’t said anything for over a year, but it’s really overwhelming and I’m tired of it. What should I do?
A: This is not what you want to hear, but you need to just say something. You knew that, because it’s how you started your question and you’re just writing because you’re hoping I can tell you of some magic foot-smell-pill that you can slip into his coffee. There is no such pill, and everyone knows about Febreze, and you don’t seem willing to continue suffering silently.
I also don’t have any magic words for you. Or magic music. Although you might consider burning a Replacements CD and giving it to him, after which you can say something like, “Yes, I’m buttering you up. I have something a bit delicate that I’d like to talk to you about.” (The Replacements are great for every situation except perhaps telling your significant other that you’re tired of saying good night to an answering machine.) Then just tell him. But remember that, while this is a HUGE DEAL to you, it’s the first he’s hearing of it. Be gentle. Suggest solutions. Try to avoid sounding like you’re blaming him. The more matter-of-fact and impersonal you can be, the better this will go.
Q: My family is driving me nuts. They’re getting on my case because I don’t drop everything to answer their calls or texts. I usually keep my phone on silent, and sometimes I leave it in another part of the house. I will answer if I hear it and will generally get back to texts or calls quickly, unless they’re just chatty and don’t really require a response. How can I explain this to them? Telling them I’m not a phone person doesn’t help. They just get angry.
A: I also don’t have magic words for you. You know what you’ve gotta do, you said it already: You need to explain to your family that they’re not being respectful of your boundaries.
Sometimes, you just have to tell people how they are going to act. You know those signs that say “Thank you for not smoking”? Even though the signs can’t possibly know whether or not you are, in fact, smoking? It’s like that. Instead of saying that you’re not a phone person, maybe try saying something like, “I know you understand that we can’t all be available all the time,” or, “I’m so glad you understand that I’m not always in a good position to answer your calls.” You’re subtly encouraging them to be their best selves. This might also be passive-aggressive. I’m not sure.
Another thing that might help is to put your phone-answering policies, informal as they are, in your voicemail. You can say, “I care about your call and I will only answer if I am able to give you my full attention. I’ll call you back as soon as I’m able, and I hope you’ll leave a message or send me an email.” I frequently tell people who are trying to reach me over the phone that they’re better off shooting me an email; I’m about 1,400 times more likely to respond to those, because I can do so on my own time. This is especially true of chatty things. Ms.Mixtape is a busy lady, and sometimes social time needs to be scheduled.
If all else fails, consider setting a ringback tone. Use the most annoying music you can think of. I love me some Katy Perry when I’m driving around with friends singing out an open window, but if I had to hear “Firework” every time I called you, I would stick to email until the end of time.
Q: How do you politely shake hands with someone who has an impaired right hand ?
A: I have no idea. My natural inclination is just to acknowledge the challenge and talk about it. As you can maybe tell from my above answers, I will generally set aside “being polite,” in favor of “honestly addressing the situation.” CRAZY.
In this case, that would mean saying something like, “Wow, how does this usually work? Would you rather touch elbows, like in Young Frankenstein?” If you’re not charming enough to pull this off, or if the person you’re attempting to greet has zero sense of humor, I’d suggest extending your left hand as though you always shake with your left hand. I really hate that solution, but it’s appropriate if your imminent handshake partner is a million years old and/or boring.
Alternatively, if there’s some third party you can ask, ideally someone discreet who is close to the person with the impaired hand, they’d be a better person to talk to than a stranger on the internet.
Further, I can think of zero ways to fit music into my answer here. Shucks.
