Brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen—it’s Valentine’s Day. Inescapable and smothering, like a warm, quivering wall of heart-flavored gelatin, this lovey-dovey Hallmark holiday will infiltrate your Friday without mercy.
Despair not, though, dear Internetter: perhaps V-Day resistance is futile, but at least you can still celebrate (or lament) it as you please.
So, whether you plan on spending the day flaunting your romantic prowess or scuttling back and forth between your PS4 and the fridge, this wholly comprehensive and scientifically validated list of personalized Valentine’s Day songs is sure to provide you with anywhere from 2 to 4 minutes of Valentine’s catharsis.*
(*Catharsis not guaranteed.)
The Hater | You’ve got a chip on your shoulder in the shape of the hole in your heart. You’ve got a bone to pick and you don’t care how many clichés you have to employ to convey to the world how justified your indignation is. Life’s a bitch, love’s a joke, everyone dies alone, and the rest of us just don’t get it, do we?
If it wasn’t for your piss-poor attitude and self-important perspective on the world, people might suffer the delusion that relationships can actually succeed. So thanks, Hater, for reminding the world how empty life really is. Fill your Angry Dome with some karaoke-style Conor Oberst and rage-wallow away.