Hey sad sack, in honor of Valentine’s Day, we represent the mix just for your lonely heart, “Nobody Loves Me.” Whether you view today as a celebration of love, or a reminder of the absence of it, we’ve got one wicked wallow. Happy Valentine’s Day? —Ed.
The “dating scene” is much akin to a Russian land war in winter—it’s brutal, brutish, unwinnable, and full of casualties. And I am well-equipped to give a report from the trenches—in all of my years on this lovely planet, I have never had a date on Valentine’s Day.
That, however, is not cause to turn all bitter and rail against the “Hallmarkiness” of this holiday, not the least of which because any holiday that dates back to Chaucer predates Hallmark. Ha. So, no, my dearies—I do not propose that we all sit down in some lame Sex and the City/Shit Girls Say kumbaya-ish “love sucks” circle.
Why not take a Zen approach to this and sit with it, as the Buddhists say, or marinate upon it, more colloquially put. Alternatively, as Ovechkin says, “it is what it is.” Or you could, you know, just Rage Against The Machine and assert how love is for losers. (Although, that would be a bit extreme because while dating sucks, love is awesome!)
I would not leave you without succor on this darkest of days. I will remind you that A. you are avoiding eating overpriced, horrible dinners (“put chocolate in her face/steak with extra shrimp”), earning the scorn of the poor overworked restaurant industry, and B. you get to have 50% off candy on the 15th. Here’s a little playlist you can chill to, rage to, and commiserate to.
10. Tokimonsta – Jay Z-Song Cry (Things Change Remix)
Turntablista extraordinaire Tokimonsta has definitely earned her spot on Flying Lotus’ label Brainfeeder, as is readily apparent on her rag time, piano-driven remix of Jay Z’s “Song Cry.” If there ever was a testament to men being tear-ductedly challenged, this is it: “I can’t see ’em comin down my eyes, so I gotta make the song cry.” Jay Z’s rhymes detail the rise and fall of a relationship, including just how nebulous and interchangeable the bad guy/girl role is.
9. Bonobo – The Keeper
Resident Ninja Tune downtempo purveyor Bonobo lays down a beautiful groove in this ode to fleeting feelings. “I know she said to get near her, but I’m feeling cold and I must leave her” has to be one of the most profound reflections on how hot-and-cold things tend to run, often nonsensically, irrationally, and almost always crushingly banal in their cruelty. Especially apropos since she is “the keeper,” yet he must leave her.
8. The Pharcyde – Passin’ Me By
Not only has the beat from this song been ubiquitously sampled (with good reason), and this is one of the original paeans to the “one that got away,” in this case both metaphorically and literally. “Damn, I wish I wasn’t such a wimp,” is instantly relatable to. “Sprung like a chicken, chasing my tail like a doggie.” Yep, sounds like the confounding circle of love.
7. Boomkat – The Wreckoning
As my alter ego Tonisaurus Wrecks can attest, there is nothing wrong with a little wreckoning (though I am only a fan of the Daria-worthy sardonic verbal jab and not the physical trashing of things). Nevertheless, pixie-ish Taryn Manning plays out such a deliciously forbidden fantasy of literally wrecking balling some emotionally-unavailable loser out of your life. I mean you can’t feel sorry for some guy who “doesn’t give a damn” about her—and you best believe she is thinking back and laughing at that obtuse blockhead.
6. Poe – Angry Johnny
Long before Alanis and her Lilith classmates diluted angry chick chique, there was Poe. She was impossibly edgy and ridiculously hot and cool and trip hop and smart and she had a brother who wrote a really weird book and she wrote all of her own songs on a computer. That’s how ahead of her time Poe has always been. She is exactly the kind of girl you would expect to eat one piece of candy and throw the rest of the heart-shaped box in your face. And when she promised to blow you… away, she sounds pretty darn convincing.
5. Jean Grae – Love Song
Nothing short of a masterpiece, Jean Grae’s impeccable lyricism delivers one of the most profound and soulful explorations of the tribulations of relationships from a woman’s perspective. “But it takes some time to realize your own worth, come into your own, play your mental rebirth.” Amen.
4. The xx – Crystalised
This atmospheric, hypnotic piece is the perfect paean to non-cookie-cutter relationships. “So don’t think I am pushing you away when you are the one that I have kept closest,” has got to be ultimate articulation of how relationships work in the fluff-free, Dr. Phil-be-damned landscape of how things “really” work. Who’s to say what is functional and dysfunctional anyway!?
3. Liz Phair – Fuck And Run
A “classic” take on the one-night stand situation—the disappointment is palpable, upbeat beat notwithstanding. “I want that stupid old shit like letters and sodas.” Seriously. Even in the ’90s, Liz Phair was looking for the mythical creature The Yeti… Er, no, the boyfriend—both equally elusive. That fabled creature, nearing dangerously low, nigh extinct levels now, tries to “win you over” and you know, woo you… What a strange concept. Oh, and he also has (gasp) feelings and unlike the guy in the song does not just “almost feel bad.” Oh, K. Flay’s cover of this is also ace.
2. Murs – The Break Up
Murs has delivered many a “love” song in his time (Bad Man, Love And Appreciate), but this is easily the best song about the mess that is breaking up. It might as well be called “flip-flopping is A-OK and normal!” “You say you’re sick of me and I say I’m sick of you, but we crazy ’bout each other, girl, what we gon’ do? Said I needed you to leave, but I hate to see you go. Can’t make up my mind, girl, I just don’t know.”
1. Lovage – Everyone Has A Summer
Lovage is not just a warming winter cordial, it is only one of the best music collaborations in the DJ world. I mean how can you put together Dan The Automator, Mike Patton, and Jennifer Charles and get anything other than pure sonic gold? Summer has an ethos far greater than hot temperatures, BBQs, and vacations. “Everyone has a summer,” a day in the sun, a dog’s day, you get the idea… Even in the dead of winter, sometime, if not now.
Honorable Mention
Portishead – Sour Times
Portishead–none more blue and none more black in a film noire sense. If Beth Gibbon’s plaintive vocals do not tug at your heart strings, you are too far gone and no one can “tear you apart” or “turn your wooden heart.”
“Nobody loves me. It’s true. Not like you do.” If Beth Gibbons has gone through nobody loving her, you are in good company. Happy Valentine’s Day.
